What Not to Say to a Working Mom

I came across this post recently on Huffington Post after catching the link on Twitter. And it struck so close to home. Everyone is always saying what you shouldn't say to a stay at home mom and how stay at home moms have it so hard and everything (which they DO, I AGREE). BUT, working moms have it tough too. Basically if you are a mom, life is tough. But you do what you do to make your child's life better in any way you can. But I always resent when people make it seem like I am going off to work every day and leaving my child behind because I lost some sort of bet.

I feel like I can speak to both sides of the issue because for 4 months I was a stay at home mommy. So I know what it's like to stay at home and I know what it's like to work and be a mom.

I will tell you that working moms have it tough. And I don't think working moms always get enough credit. Not only are we responsible for taking care of everything at work (In my case: deadlines, lesson plans, correcting, meeting state standards, meetings, writing grants, planning field trips, parent teacher conferences, more meetings, report cards, being evaluated, inspiring, loving, and educating the future leaders of America, etc. etc. etc.) And all while not getting paid a very hefty salary. On top of work responsibilities we don't get to just come home and relax. No, we come home after a very busy day at work, pick up the baby from child care and we have to start our second job. Just because I am at work doesn't mean that I still don't have to do laundry, pay bills, vacuum, clean, clean, clean, do more laundry, pack the day care bag, pack lunches, let the dogs out, feed the dogs, make dinner, do dishes, fold the laundry, run errands, feed the baby, etc. etc. etc.

I am NOT complaining. I LOVE my job and wouldn't trade it for anything. (Well, I might trade it for retiring to a beach side villa in a tropical paradise for the rest of my days, but that isn't an option). No way, I love my job and I love being a mom. And I am lucky because my husband is a big help. We share chore responsibilities and he takes care of a lot of the big stuff including dropping the baby off at baby school and picking her up half of the time. And I wouldn't trade being a mom for anything. At the end of the day even my most difficult moments with the baby are the best ones of my day. Not that she is difficult, but on the off chance that she is fussy, or up at night, or sick, I always think to myself that even at those toughest of times when you are exhausted and want to pull your hair out, that's still better than anything else because I have her to love.

You would be surprised at the ridiculous things people have said to me. And much of it I am sure was not meant to be harmful! But it still really hurts when you KNOW you are doing right by your child and people still question it or make comments. So when I read Devon's post it really struck a chord with me! I am re-posting the main part of the post here because I loved it so much. Below are the dumb questions/statements people give and the blog author's response. Excerpts from the post are highlighted in blue. I have bolded and underlined my favorite parts!

And just an FYI-people have said all of these things to me at some point in some fashion.
It's incredibly sad that in our society many people just don't think before they speak and hopefully they will start to get the hint that it's just not acceptable to say things that judge another person's lifestyle or decisions!

Can't you afford to stay home?
Let's assume for a minute that I can't. Let's imagine I work to help pay the mortgage and buy groceries and send our kids to college. Where does this conversation go now? Awkward, right? Next thing you know, I'm going to be asking you how much your husband earns so you can stay home. Let's agree not to go there.
Then let's say I can afford to stay home. The question assumes the reason I work is entirely financial. Which is part of it, to be sure. If I could make money watching bad reality TV and doing yoga all day, I would. Since I can't, I work at a more traditional job -- but it's not all about the money. I value my education and the years I've devoted to my career. I think it is good for our boys to see me working outside our home so they know that a woman isn't confined to being a wife and a mother. I also know that some day our kids will be off at college or started on careers of their own and I want to keep a foot in the working world so when that time comes, I'm not staring at a big gap in my resume that makes it harder for me to get a job. I also like the equality that exists in my marriage because both my husband and I put money in the bank. That's just me. But this particular question devalues all of those considerations and, in turn, my choices. Please don't do that. 


I'd give anything to get away from my kids for an entire day.
If you really mean it, I'm happy to help you polish your resume. You can be away from your kids all day, every day! Of course, along with that "freedom" you'll feel guilty about being away from them and will wonder if they're ok because they're home with a babysitter or in day care. Going to work every morning and waving to my kid from the upstairs bathroom window isn't a spa day. It's sort of like doing a triathalon. You start each day with a morning plunge into icy water, getting everyone to school/work then do an an eight-hour bike ride, all topped off with a half-marathon of dinner, homework, baths and bedtime. During your bike ride not only will you be expected to pedal hard, you'll also have to take phone calls from the school, the babysitter, and the doctor, respond to birthday party invitations, take a quick side trip to grab supplies for an art project, order groceries and a new pair of jeans and remember to return library books because it all needs to get done RIGHT NOW. If you're lucky, there's some wine left over in the fridge.  

I would like to point out that even when I am exhausted and overwhelmed and stressed I NEVER want to be away from Charlotte. EVER. When she is apart from me I feel like a piece of me is missing. But it's a fact of life and as the author of the blog says you get over it because you have to. And you know what? I know that being apart from her makes me appreciate the time we DO spend together even more. I never feel "obligated" to be with my child because I have to. i genuinely enjoy every minute.

I'd miss my child too much to be away from him all day.
I know. I completely understand. You get over it. Because you have to.

This one REALLY makes me mad. You think I don't miss my baby?! I miss her every second of every day. I miss her when she is sleeping in the co-sleeper 5 inches from me. I miss her when someone else is holding her. Again, being away from her makes me appreciate her that much more!!!!

The problem with this country today is that not enough moms are home raising their children.
I know! I couldn't agree more! Oh, wait. You're not advocating for paid parental leave, flexible work schedules or telecommuting, are you? You're not picketing in support for working parents (because, let's face it, some dads would like to be able to spend more time with their kids too) so they can make good choices for their families, right? You just want more moms to stay home. It's possible those families would be better off living under a cloud of financial or psychological stress to adhere to a traditional view of families, but I'm not buying it. If I see one more comment about how dual-earner families are undermining the very fabric of society I will lose my mind. Last I checked, no one in my family had shot anyone, stolen anything, cheated on a test, run a red light, or even so much as littered. Of course, I've been working all morning, so things may have changed since breakfast. 

Why did you have kids only to let someone else raise them?
People have said this to me. People have said this to my friends. It's a good thing that I didn't have the power to incinerate them with my laser beam eyes. If I hear it again, I'll refer you to item no. 1 for the reasons I might work outside of my home. And then I'll just ask you to be a TAD LESS JUDGMENTAL THANK YOU VERY MUCH.<-------FTR people have said this to me too. REALLY?! I had Little Dude because every fiber of my being wanted to be a mother and we felt like our family was incomplete without another person in it. Loving and raising a child is not incompatible with having support to do that. We are grateful and proud to have wonderful people who help us -- from family to friends to teachers and babysitters. But make no mistake, my husband and I are raising our kids. We aren't home every day, but we are a presence in our kids' lives at every moment. 

I don't know how you do it. It must be so hard.
It is. I don't know how I do it. But I don't think that's because I work, I think it's because parenting is hard whether you stay at home or go off to the office. I don't know how any of us do it. It's glorious and rewarding and full of love and it is the hardest thing I've ever done. Balancing kids with anything else, whether a paying job or running a household or finding time to watch Honey Boo Boo, is nearly impossible.

You must be so organized to be able to balance everything.
I have a love/hate reaction to this statement. At first, I bask in the affirmation. I believe I am organized. Then I remember -- I am one set of lost keys away from a meltdown. I have mismatched socks, my kid went to school with jelly on his face and I haven't exercised in a week. I have piles of books and clothes and god knows what else in my bedroom. I forgot a conference call yesterday and lost the planetarium permission slip. I let something slide every day. There is no balance. Only carefully controlled chaos. Pretty much like everyone else's life.

There's always time to work later, these early years are so precious.
All the years are precious. And why don't people say this to fathers? 

People have actually said to me "Well for us it was just more important for me to be home to be with my babies through the most important years." RUDE. Like I don't want to be there? See above. I DO. But as a teacher especially I know the value of children learning routines and socializing, and also realizing that there are other people on the planet besides them! And not for nothing, my daughter is already at not even a year old working on social skills, fine motor, sensory skills, etc. She is happy to see her teachers every day and is always smiling when I walk in to pick her up. She is well taken care of and learning SO MUCH ALREADY!

You look exhausted.
Gee! Thanks! Wanna give me a day at the spa? And then watch my kid for me so I can relax? No? Then let's just pretend we can't see the bags under my eyes. 

Again, I have gotten this a few times. Yea I am tired. I am BUSY. So is everyone. That doesn't give you the right to comment on how I look. Even with a baby I still make sure I take a shower and do my hair and makeup every morning because it's important to me to feel put together so I can face the day. So when I hear this even after I have worked hard on making myself somewhat presentable for public viewing it just puts a damper on my day.
 
At least you treasure every minute you have with your son.
Well, maybe not all of them. Because sometimes Little Dude is a monster and I get home at the witching hour, just in time to force him to eat his carrots, make him brush his teeth and go to bed. Which, as any parent will tell you, is just the most relaxing time of day. This is why I keep a chilled bottle of wine in the fridge. Despite that, of course, I do treasure my time with my kids, but I have a hard time believing that would be different if I were home more. 

This I don't completely agree with. Maybe because my little one is still so young and hasn't given me any tantrums or monster like moments quite yet. Maybe she will. Maybe she never will. But I DO treasure every single moment with her because I wanted her SO much! I had to work really really hard to be a mom and I treasure every cry, every dirty diaper, every sleepless night, and every smile because even my worst day with my baby is my best because she is HERE and she is MINE!

Don't you worry you're missing out?
Every day. But then my son runs into my arms when I pick him up from school and climbs into my bed in the morning to tell me I'm the "best mommy ever," and I know it's going to be ok.

My biggest fear is that my baby girl is going to crawl or say her first word at baby school. But I know in my heart I am doing what is best for her and working hard for her and it makes me feel a teensy bit better. I cherish her teachers and you know what? If they happen to see some first milestones I know they will be so excited to give me every detail and make me feel like I was there. And knowing that they love her so much makes me the happiest mom in the world.


So the next time you have a comment about a working mom or dad think first before you speak. Because words hurt, and frankly it's none of your business! What I always tell my students? Worry about you, and no one else!

Love and Laughs,

 Danielle