Being a mom-The best and the worst

Being a mom is hard work. It's the hardest job I have ever had BUT it is also the most rewarding job in the world. I have never once complained about my new job. I wanted it so much and it's everything I expected and sometimes unexpected too. I never expected to love someone this much. I knew I would love my baby before she was here but I never could have imagined how much I would love her. I knew I would be more selfless once she arrived, but I continue to be in awe of how much I am happily willing to give up every day if it means she is happy. Do I miss sleeping in on the weekends? Sure. But I would never trade it for what I have now: unlimited snuggling on the weekends! Do I miss being able to hop in the car and run errands all by myself? Sometimes. But now I get to watch my daughter take in the world wherever we go and enjoy every minute of it. This kid LOVES Wegmans! The point is that for every thing I will miss about my old life, there are 100 more reasons I love my life as a mom.

The best part of being a mom is knowing you are needed always. 

Feeling that little hand creep up to find your finger and hold on tight. Seeing that little face search for you in a room and see it light up with joy. Hearing that little giggle because whatever you did was absolutely hilarious to that sweet little bundle of love.

But the worst part?

...is watching your child go through what we endured this weekend. There is nothing scarier and nothing that hurts more than when your baby is sick. Except when your baby is sick AND has to go through a ton of medical procedures.

Little miss was doing fine. Earlier in the week we had her at Children's for a GI to look at her tummy. She's been spitting up more than normal and has developed some eczema, so the doctors have been trying to rule out a few things. Thankfully she doesn't have reflux or any other terrible stomach condition! This summer  next week! we will see an allergist to rule out a possible food or environmental allergy...did you know that eczema is more often than not caused by an allergy or sensitivity? But otherwise she got a clean bill of health because other than the spitting up she is still gaining weight and is the happiest baby around.

Friday evening she went to sleep at her normal time and was fine. Around 2 am she woke up crying. Sometimes she does this and I usually help her find her binky or pull her out of her co-sleeper and in bed with me and she goes right to sleep. She will either stay there with me or I will put her back in her co-sleeper once she's out. Well as I held her I realized she was burning up (score +1 for co-sleeping!) so I used the temporal thermometer to take her temperature. If you don't have one of these, GET ONE! It's a lifesaver. Want to take your child's temperature while they are sleeping? No problem! Such a wonderful invention! Her temperature was 101. Not too high, but enough that she was uncomfortable. I chalked it up to teething, because let's face it, at ten months this kid really needs some teeth soon! She was still pretty fussy though, so I gave her some Motrin to help her get some rest. She eventually calmed down and slept in my arms all night.

I woke up around 7 am and realized she wasn't up yet...not like her at all. She usually wakes between 5:30 and 6 to eat. I took her temperature and it was 101 still. The Motrin hadn't brought it down. She was sleeping soundly though, so I just held her and waited for her to wake up. Around 7:30 she woke up and waned to nurse. After she ate she fell back asleep until 10:00 am! When she woke up she was really lethargic and fussy...not at all like herself. I changed her and took her temp and it was 102.5. High enough to call the doctor who sent us to urgent care. They didn't open until noon, but we wanted to be the first ones in so we got there around 11:45 and walked in as soon as they unlocked the doors.

I normally wouldn't be so freaked out by a fever...after all in the past little miss has had fevers and has played and laughed right through them. I knew this was different because she was NOT herself. She was clinging to me and crying for no reason. And was SO sleepy. Once they got her admitted they took her temperature and it was 105.8. Tell me that isn't the scariest thing you have ever heard. In a 17 pound infant that fever scared me more than I have ever been scared. In that moment I went into survival mode. Thankfully the nurses were extremely calm and kept me feeling that way too. A high dose of Tylenol was administered and then we were brought to a patient room. I will say that Pediatric Urgent Care is phenomenal. If you live in the Buffalo area and your child is sick I highly recommend there over an ER. Comfortable rooms to wait in with beds and cribs, TVs, books for the kids, coffee, and the staff is wonderful.

What came next was about two hours of attempting to get a pic line in to get a blood draw and give IV fluids, a catheter, and more attempts at getting a blood draw. It was awful. My poor baby just cried and cried and there was nothing I could do because they had to find out what was wrong. I felt like the absolute worst mom in the world knowing she was going through all that. I know it was necessary to find out what was wrong, but still it was heart-wrenching.

Finally we found out that what was bothering my little one was a bacterial infection. Her white blood cell count was extremely high. She received a high dose of antibiotics with the directive to return on Sunday to get another dose. Finally, finally after several hours we got to go home. I spent the rest of the day and evening on the couch holding my baby in my arms. She was exhausted and drained and was not having any part of being put down. And because I'm her mama I put everything else aside and held her all night because that's what she needed.

After a horrible weekend my little one is finally starting to feel better. She's playing and laughing but is still very clingy. She's still not back to normal but she is getting there. I have been on edge for three days watching her every move just praying that she will get better.

This has definitely been the worst part of being a mom. Knowing your little one is sick and in pain and there's literally nothing you can do. There is nothing else about this job that compares to the fear and pain you feel for your child in that moment. But I think it makes you a better mom. When you feel that way it shows you how strong you can be. In that horrifying and scary moment you become someone you never thought you could be-a strong and unwavering spirit for your child.

So I embrace the good and the bad, and as hard as it is, I accept the hard parts because it makes me the mom I want to be. I am learning to be strong and fight for whatever my child needs because of those fleeting moments of fear.

And I am thankful for that.

Love and Laughs (and lots of prayers too),

Danielle